Archive | August 2013

Celiac Woes: Long Weekend Shut Down

Yeah, it’s the long weekend, and Daddy is taking a break from posting.

Just today though. No Celiac Woes, because if you read last Wednesday’s post, you would know I’m going camping. Heading to the great North of Ontario to kill a squirrel or arm wrestle bigfoot. Something epic.

Just because I’m not here today telling you about food I can’t eat doesn’t mean you can’t tell me about what you miss the most. So tell me; as a Celiac or a person who is Gluten-Free tell me what food you miss the most? You never know, you might spark a future column here at or then again, maybe not.

If you were looking for a good read because you searched my site, sorry. This post isn’t for you. But might I direct you to one of my favourite Celiac Woes, the one where all I talk about is Twix and you get a taste of why i love Twix and how much I love Twix.

Enjoy your long weekend.

I will.

Drop kicking moose.


The Celiac That Went Camping

How do you plan your camping trip around the fact that you have to be eating Gluten-Free?

Really, you don’t have to do that much shifting around when it comes to the food department. Gluten-Free alternatives for camping trips are really simple. I’m not what you would call and avid camper, I camp once a year with my high school buddies and this will only be the third year we’ve done it. So me and camping are like newlyweds.

IMG_1770FUN FACT: I’m writing this blog while i’m under the influence of cough medicine, I have the dreaded man cold and I am trying to evaporate this runny nose and itchy throat before I actually go away this long weekend. Also funny, is that sometimes I try to write my blogs as ambiguous when it comes to the date. As in, I’m writing this the day before it goes live and talk about the following weekend. That’s not like me.

On a canoe trip, it’s not like you can just take a whole mess of stuff with you, even if it’s a few days. So supplementing is a thing. Big meals? Depends on how you want to eat and how much you want to carry. Gluten-Free instant oatmeal isn’t too hard to come by, but it’s expensive. Like, I had to go to the specialty store to get it. Dried fried is good for your canoe/camping trip, but buying it from the local bulk store may prove to be disastrous. You know they roll them in wheat flour to keep them from sticking together? You’re best bet is to buy prepackaged fruit. It’s usually more expensive, but you save your health.

This year I’m opting to go the non-cooler route. Nothing that needs to be kept cool. No eggs or fresh veggies. But, yeah I bought bacon, and I bought hot dogs. So yes I did buy meat that needs to be cooled. This year though, because I’m not bringing a cooler, I’m going to stick it under water. Nature’s Fridge.

So you’re gluten free. You want to go on a backwoods camping trip. But the GF foes is so expensive. You know how you remedy that?

Don’t go camping.

Bedtime Habits of my Toddler Revisited

A few weeks ago I came at you with how we were trying something new with our daughter. Our almost three year old was starting to manipulate us into helping her stay awake by throwing tantrums and screaming at the top of her lungs and doing anything she can to stay awake. The tactic we opted for? Only going into her room when needed, absolutely needed, helping her, guiding her back to her bed and giving her one word answers or responses. Not engaging her or nothing. Just maintaining that we will not tolerate her acting up.

Does it work?

Did it work?

photo_1155427_resizeAfter her bath she now gets to watch one half hour of a show, and the first night we decided to do this she chooses Toopy and Binou, not my favourite. But it went smooth. She didn’t whine for another episode or whatever. We read to stories, had a glass of water. She got kisses and hugs and moral support for her new bedtime routine and I left. I sat at my computer, started to write some parenting blogs. Gotta get the info out while it’s still fresh in my mind.

And I so, went against what I said about August being a bedtime habits month. But I did try to go ahead and make that whole grizzly bear vs my daughter thing and I just couldn’t capture what I really wanted. So instead you get nothing. Sorry. My bad.

7:50pm: she was put to bed. Four minutes later she was out of bed and was looking for her Blue Dolphin. A prize her and I won in the local Walmart driving game. Of course I didn’t know where it was, and I wasn’t about to look for it, she already has a bed filled with stuffed friends. I said, bedtime, laid her back down. No crying.

8pm: she was at her door telling me that she had garbage. A Band-Aid she took off her scrapped knees. Same as before, I took the garbage and walked her back to her bed. One word. Bedtime. Funny about the Band-Aid because she said she wanted it to stay on over night. So, it’s juts further proof that the kid is just trying to do anything to stay awake. To get the attention. Manipulating Mom and Dad. Ha. Kids. Ha. My kid.

So, did it work?

It was half and hour and she was out like a light. The best night and the least amount of fighting with my almost three year old daughter to get to sleep. Hopefully this trend keeps up.


After we fought about where Blue Dolphin went, even looking for him downstairs in the plethora of toys in the living room. Sucka was right under the bed, Right under our noses.

Celiac Woes: Reese’s Pieces

Life is what gets me down today.  A true Celiac Woe has happened this week, right before, my very eyes, the walls of my junk food world crumbled around me. I thought alot of the woes were done, but looks like King Gluten Free is still learning a trick of two about this whole gluten-free game.

You must have guessed by the title what the new food I miss as a 100% gluten-free, four year diagnosed Celiac is Reese’s Pieces. That peanut butter button coated with a smooth candy shell. Now, wiped clean from my occasional junk food choice list.


You might be asking why it’s a new Celiac Woe? Why now am I just eliminating it from my diet? In my quest to be a better Celiac, and in my bettering to attack the ‘natural’ and ‘artificial’ flavours on the ingredients list. I made the trek to find out about the Reese’s Pieces and if they were in fact gluten-free. You read the label, sure they look good; alas. They are not. I just ate two packs of them in one sitting, no word of a lie. ONLY THEN did I decide to check up on the gluten content.

According to Hershey I shouldn’t have eaten them. They even provide me a nice list of food I can eat. I’m just the doofus that didn’t look ahead.

You know ET eat Reese’s. I’m a fan of ET. Now I cannot eat them.

Now I weep my single tear. No, I cry like a Japanese cartoon

As a whipper snapper, my earliest memories are of when my Dad’s friend. His oldest friend used to come by to visit and he would bring me a pack of Reese’s Pieces. It is one of those memories you keep with you, and one that you know he remembers. A simple gesture of bringing candy to a friend’s son is a random act of kindness that I love. KCCO


Thank you Dave for giving me those happy memories.

Now, it’s not your fault that I have Celiac Disease, but I do blame you for me liking the candy. How could you have ever known that I would grow to love it so much, and then have Reese’s Pieces turn around and bite me on the ass?

Fucking Celiac Disease. Even today, you’re roundhouse kicking me in the chops.

Gluten-Free Improve

Ever find yourself alone in the house and are like, man I wish I could eat this, whatever it is, only to bad that that food is rife with gluten. Maybe its a frozen burrito. Someone has leftover birthday cake sitting on the counter. What a terrible tease it is leaving a chocolate birthday cake sitting on the counter. The greatest skill of a Celiac is the ability to improvise food to our needs. Eliminating the gluten from your diet is relatively easy. All fresh food has not gluten. POW! simple. 

If you don’t know, I’ve only ever eaten at the Cheesecake Factory two or three times, and all those times I was in Hawaii. They were away of my little problem with gluten and were able to accommodate me. The hamburgers are gluten-free, so bonus for me. Only problem, no bun. How the shit do you eat a burger without a bun? You could eat it with a knife and fork like a salisbury steak, but with a delicious burger like that with all the toppings and such, it loses that certain little thing that makes it a burger. Cheesecake Factory was able to accommodate me by offering the ‘protein option’ wrapping my beef burger in a leaf of lettuce. There you have it, food improvisation.

Having to cook gluten-free you have to exchange wheat flour with an alternate substitute and in my experience of baking and cooking with those gluten-free flours like coconut and rice and potato flours it is a huge matter of improvisation not to mention experimentation. Densities and absorption and blah blah blah. I just want a fucking pancake.

photoSo if you want to be able to enjoy a meal and you’re gluten-free you have to have the mind to alter the pieces to the food puzzle.

I wanted a hamburger. My wife and daughter were eating leftovers. Pizza and chicken wings. My problem, no buns in the house. Yeah, there were one or two regular buns sitting in the cupboard. I can’t eat those. So, instead of going out and spending a lot of money (because we know gluten-free food is expensive) on a few buns, I used a premixed pancake batter and made pancakes. That’s right, I used pancakes as buns for my hamburger. IMPROVE!

It was delicious.

Away With the Bottle

Away with you I say. AWAY! (huh huh say in a Gandalf voice).


My wife kept saying that she didn’t want our little girl to grow up to fast. Our daughter is a smart little kid who I believe is leaps and bounds over yours. That’s not a way to tell you your kid is dumb. Just that mine is smarter. This is also a statement that all parents think. So it’s no big deal for me to say it.

The one last article related to being a baby in our house is the bottle or baba. And up until recently she need the bottle to go to sleep. It was something I always kinda didn’t like (hate would be to strong of a word), she was talking early, she was potty trained early, she was out of her night time diapers faster than i would have thought. Then the bottle was the last hurdle I felt was holding her back. My wife told me, and after thought I agreed that the bottle is her one comfort. She grew up so fast that we didn’t or shouldn’t take away her one thing that she is clinging to.

All of a sudden, she said no. Just a simple glass of water and she was done with it. Of course, as I write this it’s only been three nights, and she has only asked for her bottle once, but it has been a good transition. It hasn’t been about acting out or tantruming over something she has recognized as her comfort for close to three years. Just a sentence of ‘no thank you’ was all it took for her to give it up.

It’s not a running theme for the month of August to be about a toddler’s bedtime routine, it just happened to be a subject that is close to home right now. See what I can do for you next week. Maybe a blog about my daughter fighting a bear? I’m not joking, a fucking bear. Teddy Bear? No. A Grizzly Bear.

My kid may be better than yours, she may not be. In the end it doesn’t matter because I am so proud of my daughter, my little girl, my princess that I could care less about your child. Mine is my world.

imagesWhat’s funny is that i think you think I’m joking about the Grizzly Bear thing. I think you read that sentence and didn’t even give it another thought. Boy oh boy, you sure don’t know me at all do you? My name is Jordan Middlebrook. I’m the best dad in the world and the coolest blogger on the planet, recognize.

I gotta admit though, with my busy schedule I dunno if I can fit in a girl vs bear story. Sometimes that just takes the right amount of creativity. That juice just ain’t flowing right now. You never know though.

Celiac Woes: The Twinkie

0713_WEB_a_Twinkies_t618Yeah, sure, there has been rumours of the gluten-free twinkie coming out: POSSIBLY. I’m not keeping my hopes alive for that to happen just yet, I need one in my hand. I need to hold it, caress it to taste it. My Mom used to have a cupboard in the corner of the kitchen where all the snack cakes were. On the rare occasion Twinkies were there. No real story about them, just that I miss them. Buying them from the corner store in the two packs.

k-bigpicOh yeah. That looks good

3014051-poster-twinkiesNow you’re just teasing me internet.

TWS-620x258If you don’t know what a twinkie-weiner sandwich is, you better just stop reading my blog.

I’m not the worst guy on the planet. I didn’t just come up with a topic to throw in a bunch of photos and fill in the space. Even when it comes to me complaining about Twinkies. I do have a story that follows with how much I love (but can’t have anymore) Twinkies.

1996-2000 were the years I was in the hey-day of my short script writing creative flow. Subjects about God, superheroes and of course, Twinkies. I wrote a seven page movie with terrible formatting and terrible dialogue and story all about Twinkies. An antagonist called the Pilferer who was stealing all the towns Twinkies and the main characters making an elaborate trap to catch him. Characters based on my friends, characters who were teenagers.

Only one copy of the script exists, not even on a backup on the computer I wrote it on, but one hard copy. I took this picture Yesterday, to prove that I do in fact still have it. You can even make out the text in the background on the first page. Ah youth.


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